Hi... I'm a Doctor, Want To Go Out?

I swear to God... I really need a reality TV show because I seriously can't make up the dumb shit that happens to me in my daily life; stuff that you would have to stage for reality TV but that just happens to me naturally.

For instance... I make a pit stop at Safeway in between appointments one day to dart in and dash out for some household essentials. When I'm on a mission I tend to have a "don't fucking talk to me" face on so it always amazes me when randoms try to start conversations with me. Anyway, I'm picking up toilet paper of all things and I realize that there is man staring at me. I completely ignore him and start to walk past him. He then says, "Excuse me... do you have the time?"

I look up at him, pull my wrist out and read him the time. Then I continue to walk away. He then says, "I'm sorry... my name is ___________ and I'm a doctor at Hopkins and I think that you're really beautiful... I'd love to take you for a drink sometime." I completely forgot his name as soon as he said it.

At this point, the first thing that comes to my mind, "I don't give a FUCK that you're a doctor at Hopkins. I don't care if you were the GOD DAMNED PRESIDENT!!!!"

But I said, "I'm Liz and I don't date."

That was that. The first thing that's funny about this situation is that I could NEVER date a doctor because I'm a fucking hypochondriac first of all and second of all, I pass out when I step foot into a hospital or when someone talks about anything medical! So no... a doctor is the LAST person I'd want to date.

A week later I'm doing the same thing... rushing around Safeway on a mission. Then I see this fucking "doctor" out of the corner of my eye and I start praying that he doesn't see me or recognize me. No such luck.

"Liz...???" he starts.

Me thinking...  ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!!!!!!!!

But I say, "Oh hi!"

"I'd still really love to take you for that drink."

I'm thinking... REALLY mother fucker??? I said NO once... so then I told him that I was dating someone and walked away. Of course he said, "wow, he's a really lucky guy."

But seriously... really??? I just so happen to run into the SAME "doctor." Only me... I'm convinced.

To top it off, I walk out to my car and a woman walks over to me and says, "Can I give you something to read today?"

WHY DO JEHOVAH WITNESSES LOVE TO STALK ME!!!????

"No... I really don't have time." I said.

She said, "Okay, but I really love your necklace!"

Yes, I know that I have impeccable style and fabulous accessories but I'm never going to read your pamphlets. Sorry.

My Version of "E-Cards"

Cheeky e-cards are becoming more popular every day and to be honest... I do find them amusing. But let's be realistic...I can and did come up with better ones. Not only am I a great artist, but I have created the following e-cards that actually are all "true stories" in my life. Enjoy!

STRETCH!

My life is a dance party and the older I get, the more I realize that if I don't stretch before going out, my neck and legs will be VERY sore the next day... Word to the wise... STRETCH!

ASSHOLE!

I don't even remember how this saying got started... but I've busted it out on random occasions when meeting new people... I think of it as a "conversation starter."

Do you want a medal?

Another true story. I still carry medals in my purse just in case I meet someone who thinks they are "medal worthy."

"Nice to Meet You"

There are certain “greeting” formalities that at times I find humorous and even ridiculous. For instance, you walk into a party and see a friend who you haven’t seen in a while. It’s not a close friend but someone you’ve shared some laughs with and maybe a few drunken nights with but not someone you see on a daily basis. 

You make your way over to say hello and catch up for a few seconds, you hug and shake hands with your friend, banter back and forth a bit when you realize that their “date” has been completely ignored. Since you’re not a complete asshole, you kindly reach your hand out and introduce yourself. Then say, “Nice to meet you.” Then you immediately continue chatting with your friend while their date remains completely silent. When you finally depart, you leave with saying to their date, “it was really nice meeting you.” 

Now I have to ask, “Was it really that nice?” Why do we bother telling someone how nice it was meeting them when we don’t even remember their name? I guess it comes from “back in the day,” when everything was super formal at all times. I mean, it makes sense to be polite and all but I just seem to find myself in this situation more often than not and I could really care less about any of these, “nice to meet you” people. I guess we could walk away just saying “bye” and nothing else but that just seems too “informal.” 

On the other hand, I have to say that if these “nice to meet yous” would be a bit more engaging, then it actually would have been NICE to have made their acquaintance. But it seems that more times than not, they stand there like a deer in headlights without even so much as adding in one word or laughing along with the conversation…honestly not even smiling!

So while I will continue to be a polite person and tell people who have not even bothered to say one word to me, “it was nice meeting you”, I will also continue to ponder and eventually come up with something more truthful than, “Nice meeting you.” 

I am committed to making this my mission because I know that it could potentially make the world a better place. Picture it: meeting someone who it was really WAS nice to meet, someone who you will now continue to chat with and stay friendly with. As much as I believe that formality is a good thing, I think there needs to be different tiers of it so that we can actually stay meaningful in what we say. Now, ponder that.

Mail and Jehovah's Witnesses

Two things we're not excited to find at our doorstep: Mail and Jehovah's Witnesses. Nowadays, we all seem to hate getting either one of these things.

We'll start with mail... all those damn envelopes and newspapers that get shoved into your mailbox, inside your door and under your mat, have become such a huge bother to everyone. It almost makes sense since the only real mail people are getting are bills, applications for credit cards and advertisements.

Mail used to excite people because it meant that someone out there cared enough about you to send you a piece of mail. Let's be realistic, it takes 10 times longer to write someone a personal note, seal it up and mail it out than to send an email. Now, each time we check our mail, with high hopes that something good has come, it only sends huge disappointment when it's just "junk mail."

Since email and the internet have become such popular ways of communication, the need to send someone a hand written note is virtually obsolete.

But let's not down technology because lucky for us, or at least me...several times a year, I'll get a group of visitors at my door.."Jehovah's Witnesses," who begin talking incessantly about whether or not I have a relationship with the Lord and who really do care so much about me that all they want to do is tell me about themselves while they proceed to hand me MORE unusable paper pamphlets that are enviably going straight into the trash. It's like getting DOUBLE the JUNK MAIL.

At least your email account can filter out all that bullshit.

Realistically, instead of these Jehovah's Witnesses making me and my dog go crazy, why don't they go walk themselves down to the local soup kitchen and they can give back to society for a change! It just shows that they really don't give a rat's ass about anyone.

So mail and Jehovah's Witnesses... they're a lot alike. Both come to the door, both are annoying as hell and both are impossible to get rid of. They continue to find you, wherever you go.

When Someone Steals Your Coat

It's a cold night in your city, like really fucking cold. So naturally you would choose to wear your heaviest coat (that just so happens to be your favorite coat) when going out.

Fast forward several hours and you're doing shots with friends, drinking like a fish and not incorporating food into the mix. This makes for an interesting evening because anything could really happen. Next thing you remember is doing Kareoke in a dive bar with friends. When you arrived at this bar, you had your coat. Since the bar is not packed, you and your friends decide to stake out a table to drape everyone's coat on.

Once the Karaoke buzz has wore off and you realize (in your drunken mind) that if you don't make a run for it now, you'll be stuck there till close and that just won't be pretty because they don't serve food. So, like any rationally-drunk person would do, you wobble over to the table that was holding all the coats only to find that your coat is not there. Although drunk, you are certain your coat is not there and you start to panic (because you really loved that fucking coat) and say to your friends, "I think someone took my coat!"

They reply with, "No, I'm sure it's here. Did you check the coat pile?"

That infuriates you because you clearly just did and you go from drunk and upset to drunk and violently angry. So to show them that yes, you have checked all the coats, you begin going through everyone's coat in the bar and by "going through" I mean picking up each and every coat between your thumb and forefinger screaming, "NOT MY COAT!" before dropping each one on the floor. When the other people realize that their coats are now on the floor, they are really not sure how to react. But honestly, after taking one look at you getting crazy up in that bar, chances are they are going to pick up their coat and not say a damn thing.

At this point you are screaming at the top of your lungs, "SOME BITCH STOLE MY FUCKING COAT!!! WHO STEALS A COAT?? I'M GOING TO KILL SOMEONE!!!"

Then, without asking (of course) you rip the microphone out of someones hand and announce to the entire bar that someone stole your coat and they better give it fucking back. True Story.

You storm out of the bar determined that some bitch is walking around the city in YOUR coat. You run home, luckily your only a block from the house and scream to your (now) startled husband, "BABY SOME BITCH STOLE MY COAT!!!! I'M SO UPSET!" And cue the tears..."I J-U-S-T W-A-N-T M-Y F-U-C-K-I-N-G C-O-A-T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Luckily your husband, who is NOT drunk makes a few phone calls and realizes that no, no one stole his wife's coat. One of your other friends accidentally took the coat in a drunken stupor and is now currently wearing it. Nice.

The Joy of Birthday Cake with Your Photo on it

For my husband's 30th birthday, I decided to throw him a surprise party. I'm not yet 30 but I do I know that turning 30 is a "kind-of-a-big-deal event" so I thought this would be a nice gesture.

You might think that finding a location, haggling over price, deciding on a menu, finalizing a guest list, tracking down the guests who haven't RSVP'ed and coming up with a million excuses to throw off the hubby would be a big hassle and very stressful. Nope. Those things were easy compared to the bullshit I had to go through in order to get a fucking photo cake. Yeah, you heard right. The cake was the most stressful part.

It sounds silly right? You're probably thinking, "Idiot, you just walk into any bakery and tell them what you want!"

Well, since my husband is more about "less is more" I knew if I went into any bakery, it would be about $200 for a cake. Yes, the cake would be gourmet and I'm sure it would have been delicious but I just knew it would not be appreciated by the most important person there. So, I decided to make things really difficult for myself by opting for a photo cake.

Now, when I say photo cake, I mean a regular sheet cake with the persons photo on it. They are always advertised at every grocery store in the bakery section and what is so "special" about them is that the photo is edible. Yes, it's EDIBLE.

About a week before the party, I called my local grocery store fully expecting it to be no problem. To my surprise, they said, "Nope, our machine is broken." From the sounds of it, they did not anticipate having the machine fixed any time soon.

Okay, no problem... I'll just call the next closest place. "No, we don't do those anymore."

Fine. NEXT!?

You guessed it, their machine was down too. I did a Google search for grocery stores near my zip code. All the others were at least 20 minutes away and in the semi-ghetto. At this point, ghetto or not... I called. To my surprise they said, "Yup. We do'em." For whatever reason I just didn't get that warm and fuzzy feeling when the person was too eager to get me off the phone.

I finally found a place that was 30 minutes away that said. "YES. We do them!" So I said, "OKAY! I'm on my way!"

I printed out my husbands photo and eagerly drove (30 minutes) to the store. I placed my order, PAID for my cake and left, totally relieved that this was finally done. She told me to pick it up Friday. PERFECT!

Don't you know that the following morning I got a call from the bakery that said, "Hi this message is for _insert my name_. We are not able to make your photo cake because our machine is broke and the girl who took your order was new. Sorry!" Click.

WHAT THE FUCK??????????????? I thought this was cursed. Maybe he's not supposed to have a god-damned photo cake after all!??

I was fuming. I called the store very angry. Of course they were unable to give me a re-fund over the phone so I would have to go back into the store. I stormed in and stormed out. Luckily around the corner there was another grocery store and that was my final straw.

Side note: this next grocery store was in a very nice area. 

I walked and made a bee-line for the bakery. Of course there was no one there to help me so I waited for a few minutes and then I saw a woman heading out of the back. She purposely did not make eye-contact with me but I stopped her and said, "Excuse me, can you help me please?"

She looked at me and mouthed (no words came out), "Yes, what do you need?"
Mute? No. She had a sinus infection and therefore she lost her voice.

Great, I thought. I looked around for someone else but there was no one so this lady would have to do. I explained to her what I wanted and she said they could do it. FINALLY! I gave her the photo and gave her instructions on when I wanted to pick it up, how many people, what kind of cake and what colors I wanted. Then I told her what I wanted it to say, "Happy Surprise 30th Birthday! We Love You Nick!"

When I looked down at her order sheet to see what she was writing, this is what I saw, "Happy Suprice 30 Bithady!"

I hesitated to give her a moment to check her words and fix her mistakes. She did not. I said as nicely as possible, "Does the person who actually writes on the cake know how to spell? I don't think "surprise" or "birthday" is spelled right."

She looked at me and said in a very soft voice, "Sorry, my sinuses are all crazy today and I can't think." That's fine, I understood so I said, "Ohhhhh... it's okay... here I can write it..."

Oh no, that would have been too easy. She made me stand there while she flipped through the sample cake book to find the words that she mis-spelled. When she finally corrected her work I was done. I repeatedly asked her if my cake would be ready by Friday and she said yes. I took my copy of the receipt and prayed.

Friday came and my heart raced as I drove to the store. I had a plan B... just buy a plain cake if they screw this one up. To my surprise, it looked great! Thank GOD!

But seriously... would I have done it all over again? I don't know. Did my husband love his cake? Yes, so I guess it was worth it. YEESH!!!!!!!

Picking Up After Your Dog

If you have a dog, you most likely know and understand the standard and expected procedures that are required while walking your dog: No dogs off the leash and PICK UP YOUR DOGS POO!

That being said, there are always those people who don't follow either rule and some that follow almost all of them.

In my particular neighborhood, there must be a small group of people who thought they wanted to know what it felt like to be "rebels." So instead of not picking up their dogs poo at all, they pick it up, place it into a "doggie-bag," neatly tie the bag... and this is where it gets weird; instead of throwing the bag into the nearest trashcan, which are on every corner, they decide throw it onto the sidewalk in random places. So now you have all of these neatly tied bags of dog poo scattered all over the neighborhood... WTF?

It seriously makes NO sense whatsoever and it makes me angrier to see those neatly tied bags everywhere  than seeing piles of dog shit!

I have to think that these "doggie-poo-bag" people must be stuck in their cubicle all day, hating the world and themselves, plotting how their going to get back at their city for raising taxes and not cleaning up the streets like they promised. Then they had a revelation, "I'll show them!" As they tie those bags, it becomes clear, "Take that city! F-U!"

Then each day as they walk past their bags, still strewn about the neighborhood, they smile to themselves knowing that their mark will stay there for weeks, even months to come! Because let's face it, who is REALLY going to pick that up and throw it away? Mission Accomplished.

Get a life people... THROW THE BAGS AWAY!!!

European Languages and Translation

I've been to Europe more times than I can count on both hands. Bragger? Yes... mildly, but that's not the point. Most of the time, all of the people I was surrounded by spoke little to no English. Since I'm a genius at languages, I thought I would share some important tips to learn before traveling abroad.

First, there will usually be one person around that is able to translate... however sometimes the translation from that language is not exact which can make things uncomfortable... thus the following examples of things that people have actually said to me (with huge smiles on their face):

- You look like Pocahontas.

- You look very bony.

- You look thick.

- You look sick.

- You look tired.

- You look sexual.

Now, I know that these translations are pretty harsh/weird according to our standards however you just have to laugh it off since once these things are said, you look at the person and they are smiling from ear to ear... so they are not trying to offend, just make smalltalk. Remember, some things just get lost in translation.

Top Tips for Learning a New Language:

When traveling to a country where you have NO idea of the language. It's always a good idea to go prepared and by prepared I do NOT mean learning how to say things like, "Where is the bathroom," "Where can I buy food," "I need an aspirin," and so on. Those things can easily be acted out and turned into a hilarious story for later use.

The types of things you want to learn how to say are things that will completely throw everyone off guard thus making them bust up laughing which then makes it seem like you are the coolest American that they have ever met and before you know it, everyone will be telling you that you speak fluent (whatever the language is).

Examples:

- "Where is the party?"
-  Just start calling everyone "lover" in their language. It will really get them going.
- "I'm hungry." Blurt this out mid-conversation and your sure to get some laughs... it also makes you seem really cute.
- Figure out the word for "over dramatic," and use it as much as possible.
- "I have black hair." Your sure to get a few "BRAVOS"
- "I don't care" just say this when someone is in a deep conversation.
- "I like cake."
- "Do you have any drugs?"
- "Let's go for a walk in the mountains."
- "I like wild dogs."
- " Do you like boozing?"

You get the picture. The best way to figure out how to say these things is 1. a dictionary. 2. Alta vista babel fish translator. :-)

Have fun with it... and good luck!

Olive Oil - The Wonder Food/Drug

My friends always make fun of me and say, "If you could drink olive oil, you would." Newsflash, I can drink it and I just did.

In all actuality though, olive oil is such an amazing and delicious necessity to my life that I could never live without it. I've compiled a list of everything I can and have done with olive oil:

- use it as tanning lotion (it works GREAT)
- make delicious dipping sauces for bread and fresh veggies while tanning
- douse all over neck area when stuck in a staircase
- use instead of butter because butter is disgusting
- use in your hair to get that "J-Lo" gangsta look
- use on "ashy" knees and elbows
- (in the process of trying right now) smoke olive oil leaves in place of marijuana
- use as make up remover

For now, I think that covers everything.... so you see, not only have we used olive oil for feeding, but we've also found out that it works great as lotion, hair and facial products and can potentially be used to "smoke-up" otherwise knows as"getting high." The verdict is still out...

The "extra charge" at the restaurant

I find it mildly amusing, yet annoying that each and every time I am ordering at a restaurant, the waiter or waitress always feels the need to interrupt my ordering by saying, "there's an extra 1.00 for that," or "that's an extra .50 cents."

First, if I'd rather order a side salad instead of having french fries, does she really think that I'm just going to say, "okay, scratch the salad, I'll just forgo my lifestyle because I'm too cheap to pay the extra 1.00 that you're going to charge me. I'll just have the greasy fries." NO!
But my favorite is ordering in one of those Mexican "chain" restaurants. Note, I'm a vegetarian so basically the only things I'll eat are veggies and beans there. It should be quite obvious to the people putting my food together that I don't eat meat when I say, "no meat, just extra vegetables." Then they look at me and say, "it will be a little extra." OKAY ASSHOLE... I don't eat fucking meat so do you really think I'm going to say, "scratch that, I'll just have the beef burrito!?"

On that note, don't you think it's crazy that they are charging MORE for veggies... I mean, meat is meat and I'm pretty sure that is the more "prized possession," but realistically I don't care. I mean I guess they HAVE to alert the customers about "extra charges," because there is always that asshole that will bitch and moan until a manager is brought over and then he gets his entire meal free. I guess they don't like giving out "free meals," as a rule of thumb so that's most likely why when people are getting hired for those jobs, they have a special day of training on "alerting the customer about extra charges."

Either way, they should just make a sign with a disclosure that reads, "extra charge for extra vegetables." They should also put that in the menu at those restaurants, "extra _____ for side salad or any other healtier option." That way, they don't have to point it out to me every fucking time.

Bugs

I don't like bugs. To put it mildly, I fucking HATE them and I'm really sick of everyone criticizing me for being for "terrified" of them. I think its total B.S with a capital B and with emphasis on the S.

I feel like everyone is always hounding me and yelling at me for not wanting to be around bugs. Sorry guys, but I've watched the Discovery Channel enough to know that probably half of the bugs around us could be deadly.

Example Questions:

1. Are you allergic to bees/wasps?
I'm not sure and guess what; I don't want to find out! It is possible to DIE from a bee or wasp sting if you’re allergic… so am I crazy for running away? NO!

2. Which spiders are poisonous?
Let me think, I don't fucking know therefore I'm pretty sure I don't want to be around ANY of them... I'd rather not take that chance since certain spider bites ARE deadly thank-you-very-much!!! (Yes, that deserves three exclamation points.)

3. Why be afraid of flies?
Have you ever walked down the street and seen a pile of shit? What is all over that pile? FLIES!!! Do you really think that I want a fly either landing on me, my food or anything in my house after it's taken several bites out of dog shit? NO!!!!!

4. What about moths?
Well, they are just the most disgusting bug-creature to ever be created. I'm not even sure what they could do besides land in your ear and leave a powdery residue but they are so gross that I don't even want to think about it.

Clearly, there are MANY other bugs that I could reference at this point but I think it's quite clear that I can be a non-bug fan and I think that everyone else should get off my damn back about it! Bottom line, I hate bugs.

Swine Flu

In my current line of work, it's considered a good idea to come in direct contact with as many people as humanly possible in order to establish some sort of "connection," even a quasi-friendship in order to "make a deal." I don't necessarily need to go into direct detail as to what exactly I do since this is what many people attempt to do but most just come off pushy and abrasive. I'm actually pretty good at it. Because of this I have several, "clients," who I must "attend" to.

In addition to that, I would consider myself a semi-hypochondriac... to the point that if I have a weird pain (and by weird I mean something that is not usual like a headache) I basically think that I have cancer or some sort of rare disease and I begin thinking how my life will be day after day dealing with this weird pain.

That being said, I once had a client call me and say, "Sorry I haven't gotten back to you. My sister has the swine flu and I've been taking care of her." The first thing I thought was, "Fuck, I just saw this woman two days ago and if she's been taking care of her sister, then there is a HIGHLY PROBABLE chance I could have the swine flu too!!!"

She then went on to say, "but it's okay because she's no longer contagious so we'll both be at the closing tomorrow."

"Great," I thought as my legs slowly began to wobble. I was already starting to feel the sickness come over me and since I was at the office, I had to attempt to remain calm. I made some jokes about it to others in the office who chuckled at this but inside, I was fixated on the idea of actually getting the swine flu and how dare these women treat this horrid type of flu with such a cavalier attitude! After all that hype on the news, I thought infected persons needed to be quarantined or something. I was actually thinking of calling in the authorities!

The next day at closing I pretended to forget that I knew her sister was basically infected with the swine flu. However, I was extremely angry because I felt as if I was holding in a deep dark secret. If I were to tell everyone else there, would they have felt the same as me? Would they put these women in a separate room and bust out the Lysol disinfectant spray immediately? Of course to my dismay we were all seated in just about the smallest room you could imagine with no windows or any sort of ventilation what so ever. I was certain that this closing could literally be the death of me.

I knew I would have to shake both women's hands because they were my clients for god's sakes and I am basically the nicest person you will ever meet so as I shook her hand, I could feel my legs giving out... I immediately sat down and my head was so clouded with thoughts of swine flu that I think I even started sweating. Then, a cough emerged from the infected but "no longer contagious" sister. I held my breath... so long actually that I almost passed out. I was taking such small and shallow breaths that my face was probably blue.

Luckily it was a quick and easy closing because I think I would have literally died for lack of breathing and proper ventilation. This was worse than giving blood!

I don't really remember much after that, since I think I lost so many brain cells from not breathing. I might as well have huffed glue prior to this closing. The moral of this story is that there is no moral. I hate swine flu and I think it was extremely rude that I was even put in that situation; never again. Next time, I'll send my assistant.

Note to self : get assistant.