Vending Machines

Working in a gym...I get to watch people constantly wrestling with the vending machines, then when the machine eats their money, (which happens a lot) they look to me for help. (Honestly what the fuck am I supposed to do?)
"Maybe bring your own water and snacks next time...?" I polietly suggest. I did however take the innitiative (out of the kindness of my heart) to post a sign on the vending machine which read, "USE AT YOUR OWN RISK....Seriously!"
I never could quite understand it though, even with the sign people continued to struggle with the damn machine! Besides eating money, sometimes their selection would get stuck halfway out of the machine, which would then require someone to shake the shit out of it. Honestly, if it were me, I would prolly just bring my own water and snacks and save myself the money and stress of having that possibility of being out of money AND a refreshment.
However, I do recall a time in my younger days when I was addicted to Reeses Peanut Butter cups...and there was a vending machine that contained them, which I saw basically every day for a whole summer. I decided one day that I would indulge in a Reeses. My mouth started to water as I approached the (old) vending machine. After hearing my .75 cents clunk I grew ecstatic at the thought of that delicious chocolate and peanut butter goodness. HOWEVER..............as I pressed into the key pad the selection for Reeses...I was completely HORRIFIED when I saw NOT the Reeses but the HOTFRIES...(fucking HOTFRIES) fall from the shelf. The sad fact was that I had only .75 which was now gone, replaced by fucking hotfries. Who the fuck likes hotfries? Seriously? I think the vending machine maitenence man realized that since NO ONE was actually purchasing the hotfries... he he would take it upon himself to switch up the keypad and fuck everything up so that unsuspecting people like me, who just wanted that peanut butter-chocolatly goodness that every Reeses peanut butter cup delivers....was FUCKED over by some FUCKING HOTFRIES!
For those of you who are unfamilar with these illusive "hotfries" let me explain... Imagine the crunchy little potato pieces you'd find in a green bean casserole at Thanksgiving...slapped together with some extra pepper and fucking hot sauce. Yeh, that’s pretty much "hot fries" and they suck. OH and try SELLING these hot fries to another kid in the vending line...yeah, not happening. I couldn't even GIVE them away.
Back then, I guess I played into the same category as these crazy gym goers that I was referring to earlier because I brought more money the next day, ready to try my luck yet again...(since I hadn't actually gotten the satisfaction of a Reese’s). I approached the machine again...this time tense...never really expecting the same thing would happen AGAIN.....well, needless to say...I FLIPPED out when it did!
Now I was out $1.50 and STILL with no fucking Reese’s. I could have bought a whole fucking bag for that kinda money! (I think that’s exactly what I did).

From then on I have said, "Fuck vending machines and DOUBLE fuck hot fries." Now that I am older and wiser…I just save my money and bring my own shit. I can't deal with the added stress of wondering whether or not the vending machine is going to give me what I want, or steal my money and give me fucking hot fries. I highly recommend anyone else to do the same.

Hunting for Madlibs

On the way back from a ridiculous weekend at the beach with my voluptuously lovely friend Ashley and almost dying of boredom.... (since I don't have a CD player in my (almost) awesome car) and the lack of radio station choices was starting to put me asleep...I needed a change of pace. I needed madlibs. How amazing would a once dull car ride be with MADLIBS?! Yeah, it would be totally radical...Ashley concurred.
Not two seconds later, a small shopping complex with (you guessed it) A WALMART appeared! To me, this was a sign from God that Ash and I were meant to finish the trip with Madlibs.

Sadly however, this was not the case. After running through the WalMart searching in EVERY aisle that could POSSIBLY carry Madlibs AND after asking 2 employees...we walked out of the WalMart totally flabbergasted. I simply could not FATHEM the reality that WALMART, the SUPER store that APPARENTLY carries EVERYTHING...did NOT have Madlibs! Outlandish...totally.

Needless to say, since we were already in the shopping center, we decided to stop in the Dollar General next door. Yeah, so pretty much Dollar General carries EVERY religious book you can THINK of, but they DONT carry Madlibs...totally unexceptable.

2 stores down and 2 more stores to go at this point. Next stop, the Dollar Store (which is apparently different enough from the Dollar General, to have right next door)...yeah, no luck there either.

Now I, (always optimistic)...had one last glimmer of hope that the grocery store would carry Madlibs..(honestly I swear I used to see them in the check out lines...I SWEAR).

As soon as we walked into the grocery store, the smell of trash and rancid meat smacked me in the face. At this point I was somewhat annoyed and after running through the whole grocery store, I realized there was NO magazine isle. HOW GHETTO IS THIS PLACE? NO magazine aisle? COME ON...

I yelled out to the ONE man working the register, "Is there no magazine aisle?"
He gave me a look like he really had no idea what a magazine aisle in a grocery store even WAS...and then said, "uhh, I dont think so,"
YEAH OBVIOUSLY NOT ASSWIPE ..since i JUST looked through the WHOLE store...I was just hoping that maybe in my craized state I would have suddenly gone blind and MISSED the magazine aisle which I was hoping contained MADLIBS...

As we walked out of the rancid smelling grocery store, a man who had been mopping the floor (with quite dirty water I might add) asked me point blank...
"are you from Pennslyvania?" (note: we were in a rather ghetto part of Maryland)
I guess maybe I forgot to take off the sign posted on my forehead which reads.."I'm from PA" UMMMM ....the fact that I AM from PA is totally irrelevant... it was a random question which somehow made me livid.

We finished the rest of our car ride WITHOUT madlibs. HOWEVER... I promised Ash that as soon as I got home, I would create my OWN madlib and send it to her...which I did. Feel free to fill in the blanks. :)

So, your on you way to the beach…Ocean City (name of small under-developed country) that is, listening to your favorite (band), naturally. One of your best (the word “friend” in any language)’s is sitting on the (adjective) seat next to you. Unfortunately, your (adjective) (same name for friend used above) used (internet map provider) for the directions and needless to say you guys are lost as (person or thing).
Therefore, you, being the (adjective) one, decide to pull over to a (random highway stop) to ask for directions. After a few seconds of looking, you spot a man with no (something that a person could have none of) compulsively eating (type of food). He gives you a somewhat (adjective) grin and starts speaking in (weird language). Your friend, trying to prove she’s really not an (adjective for a stupid person) lets out a (noise) and starts communicating with this man via (strange way to communicate). You sense immediately the random (any science class) and decide to leave your friend with this (adjective) man and try and find the beach yourself.
Ironically, you are able to find the beach and after having an (adjective) week, you decide to call your (adjective) boss at the (place of work) and tell him you have taken a new job (strange occupation) in (name of beach that you used earlier) where you have met and fallen in love with the oversized (adjective) (noun) whom you are now engaged to.
Two years pass by and you wake up one day, after a crazy night of (activity) you realize that you are still wearing that (cheep metal) ring and STILL not married. Suddenly your friend whom you left at the (same roadside stop as earlier) pops into your mind and you decide to leave Ocean City (name of beach) and (name of whatever your engaged to) in search of your long lost (adjective) friend.
Oddly enough, you find your now (what happens to a girl when she’s with a guy too long) friend and take her along with (the guy at the roadside stop) back to (name of town) where you all find that your houses have been taken over by (adjective) (nationality) people. Therefore you get back in the (adjective) car and drive off to (country) where you meet the true love of your (adjective) life, get married and open up a (type of store or facility) where you have (adjective) children and spend the rest of your life drinking (type of alcoholic beverage) spouting out (crazy phrase in a different language).

My Bedroom

Having a super huge room is so played out. I mean come on...who really cares how big your room is anyway?
I'm honestly getting sick and tired of hanging out with friends only to listen to them talk (brag) about how ridiculously large their rooms are....SO WHAT if my room is basically not a "room" at all, but rather an unfinished boarded off part of the house that was just wasting space because the builder obviously did not "plan ahead" when he designed the house.....who cares?
I think I have done an EXCELLENT job of decorating, givin what I have to work with. Seriously...I kid you not, my room even has a fucking CHANDELIER! Yeah, how many people with big rooms can actually say that....oh wait NOT MANY!
Yeh, so as I was saying, big rooms are totally not necessary.
TRUE I might actually have more things than anyone else I know, TRUE, I might be the only one with a pet hamster named MASSIMO who could use the extra space to run around in his plastic ball and TRUE I might have been able to find something USEFUL to do with "all that extra space" of a large room if I was givin the chance, but honestly I dont have the time nor do I want to put forth the effort.
Honestly, if I was one of the fortunate ones to have a super large room, I really wouldnt be "fortunate" at all since then I would have to CLEAN it...so basically I am the lucky one in this whole senario...........I have a super teeny room, which is SUPER easy to clean!

The Price of Bread

On the way to my own dinner party, I realized I needed to make garlic bread...so I attempted to quickly "dash in and out" of the grocery store
(which is almost impossible since their are those assholes who go into the "express" line with OBVIOUSLY waaay more than 10 items, not thinking that anyone else is actually going to the store for ONLY one item...hey, it's actually like parking in a handicap spot and not being able to fathem the idea that MAYBE just MAYBE a handicap person would decide to venture out into the cold, cruel world)
Nevertheless, I was stopped in the bread isle by a little old woman who was completely dumbfounded that she could not find a price sticker for her rasin bread.
I was on a mission...for freshly baked Italian bread (NOT French bread, since the French are assholes---come to think of it though.. honestly I probably would have taken the French bread since I was desperate at that point.....)
anyways I was on a mission...
Sadly I did not contemplate before hand the fact that maybe "ghetto ass Giant" would not have freshly baked bread...only some fucking packed hamburger rolls...ANYWAYS...while I was standing in bread isle, my eyes frantically scanning left and right, hoping that somehow missed the always larger-than-life "FRESHLY BAKED BREAD" signs at all the OTHER (un-ghetto) grocery stores, I was interupted by an old lady, who I would have otherwise considered "sweet" but in my current state of franticness, she was breaking my train of thought.
"If there is no price tag, does that mean it's free?" She turned and asked me.
Totally flabbergasted at her comment, I attempted a friendly chuckled and then replied with a cool, "hmm, I'm not so sure.."
Totally back into my "bread" mode ----she interupted me AGAIN...."is that a dress your wearing, or a blouse and pants..?"
Now was that meant as an insult? I'm wasnt really sure actually..I was wearing gauchos and a flowey top which was hot...(DUH)....so at that point I said in a not as nice as before way...." uhhh no it's actually pants and a top."
"yeah, I just cant keep up with womans fashions these days...." From that point on I gave her one last (are you serious) look, then totally blocked her out of my head and grabbed the wheat hamburger rolls...I was totally going to have to improvise for my fucking garlic bread.....FUCK (meanwhile the woman was still asking out loud to no one how much the bread was).