Avoiding the Line

According to statistics, the average person spends a ridiculous amount of hours (that I can’t remember) during their lifetime just waiting in line….grocery store, fast food, movie store, department store…need I go on?

In Europe, people actually ENJOY waiting in line, can you imagine??? Supposedly it gives them, “a few minutes out of their day to think, reflect and relax…”
Silly Europeans…we are in AMERICA…We Americans demand FAST service, even faster women, and super speedy lines!!! After all, we have WAY more important things to do in our tremendously-busy lives (like internet poker, web-dating or MySpace LETALONE a JOB to do…) FUCK waiting in line!!!

Unfortunately though, it’s almost as though we can’t beat the wait…it’s inevitable. However, there are those extra savvy individuals who decide that waiting in line is just not for them and they’ll do whatever it takes just to NOT wait in line…even if it means rearranging their whole schedule. (They are not going to be “just another statistic”).

Take Bob for example…Bob’s a real “mans man…” one who cannot be bothered with waiting in line, especially since he’s got a hot-and-bothered naked prostitute waiting for him in the copy room (along with a jelly donut for afterwards). Bob clearly can’t afford to wait for ANYTHING…

Bob decides that instead of picking up his diet cokes, non-fat cooking spray and Norelco razors during his lunch break…he’ll simply go late at right before the store closes therefore avoiding the line; clearly a no-brainer…good job Bob.

Unfortunately, what Bob or any other savvy American cannot not foresee or predict are the incompetent, skill-lacking, un-multitask-able-people who are running check-out counters EVERYWHERE…

It’s obvious that no matter WHAT poor Bob or any of us try and do to SAVE SOME FUCKING TIME…it’s idiots like THIS who can and will find a way to fuck it up for all of us without even realizing it. Only in America do we ever-so-willingly hire these idiots and only in America I can and will say that these people should be forced to wait in line for hours before being shot and put out of their misery.

Basically, we are going to have to wait NO MATTER WHAT…so suck it the fuck up, get an ipod and ug, fucking wait…or put on a mask, get a gun and threaten everyone’s lives if you cant get to the front of the fucking line…then smile, (through the mask) and say, “thank you” to the (now sweaty and surprisingly alert) cashier who has just shit their pants.

Jean Jackets...

The illusive jean jacket… Fashionable? Yes. Timeless? Yes. A good way to keep warm? HARDLY...
Imagine this…An extremely chilly night in October…late October. Your about to take an amazing hay ride... (Flasks allowed of course, or else it wouldn’t be “amazing”).
You’re wearing a cute outfit and (not wanting to mess up the whole “look” of the outfit by throwing on a hefty coat that does nothing but give you an extra ten pounds…) you hastily decide on your “always fashionable” jean jacket…BIG MISTAKE…
Now, everyone’s experienced it at least once in their life…the ice cold jean of the jacket rubbing against your goose bumped arms. Hairs being ravished between your skin and your jean jacket is HARDLY a “warming” feeling…not to mention your so cold and uncomfortable at this point because of your hasty decision to bring along a jean jacket, that you really cant even move…the more you move, the more you feel the cold piercing your skin and the more your goose bumped arms becoming chaffed, (or so it feels…).
Now, instead of enjoying this nice October evening, your cursing yourself at the choice you made to grab your jean jacket in the first place, therefore making your night barely enjoyable…(hey, at least you have a flask on this hayride or else it would have REALLY sucked…)
At this point in the evening, you decide to start hardcore pounding the whiskey in your flask just in order to make yourself feel “warm” from the strong liquor.
To conclude, jean jackets are for drunkards…grab a zip up sweat shirt, stop bitching and GET WARM…without the whiskey…