Olive Oil - The Wonder Food/Drug

My friends always make fun of me and say, "If you could drink olive oil, you would." Newsflash, I can drink it and I just did.

In all actuality though, olive oil is such an amazing and delicious necessity to my life that I could never live without it. I've compiled a list of everything I can and have done with olive oil:

- use it as tanning lotion (it works GREAT)
- make delicious dipping sauces for bread and fresh veggies while tanning
- douse all over neck area when stuck in a staircase
- use instead of butter because butter is disgusting
- use in your hair to get that "J-Lo" gangsta look
- use on "ashy" knees and elbows
- (in the process of trying right now) smoke olive oil leaves in place of marijuana
- use as make up remover

For now, I think that covers everything.... so you see, not only have we used olive oil for feeding, but we've also found out that it works great as lotion, hair and facial products and can potentially be used to "smoke-up" otherwise knows as"getting high." The verdict is still out...

The "extra charge" at the restaurant

I find it mildly amusing, yet annoying that each and every time I am ordering at a restaurant, the waiter or waitress always feels the need to interrupt my ordering by saying, "there's an extra 1.00 for that," or "that's an extra .50 cents."

First, if I'd rather order a side salad instead of having french fries, does she really think that I'm just going to say, "okay, scratch the salad, I'll just forgo my lifestyle because I'm too cheap to pay the extra 1.00 that you're going to charge me. I'll just have the greasy fries." NO!
But my favorite is ordering in one of those Mexican "chain" restaurants. Note, I'm a vegetarian so basically the only things I'll eat are veggies and beans there. It should be quite obvious to the people putting my food together that I don't eat meat when I say, "no meat, just extra vegetables." Then they look at me and say, "it will be a little extra." OKAY ASSHOLE... I don't eat fucking meat so do you really think I'm going to say, "scratch that, I'll just have the beef burrito!?"

On that note, don't you think it's crazy that they are charging MORE for veggies... I mean, meat is meat and I'm pretty sure that is the more "prized possession," but realistically I don't care. I mean I guess they HAVE to alert the customers about "extra charges," because there is always that asshole that will bitch and moan until a manager is brought over and then he gets his entire meal free. I guess they don't like giving out "free meals," as a rule of thumb so that's most likely why when people are getting hired for those jobs, they have a special day of training on "alerting the customer about extra charges."

Either way, they should just make a sign with a disclosure that reads, "extra charge for extra vegetables." They should also put that in the menu at those restaurants, "extra _____ for side salad or any other healtier option." That way, they don't have to point it out to me every fucking time.

Bugs

I don't like bugs. To put it mildly, I fucking HATE them and I'm really sick of everyone criticizing me for being for "terrified" of them. I think its total B.S with a capital B and with emphasis on the S.

I feel like everyone is always hounding me and yelling at me for not wanting to be around bugs. Sorry guys, but I've watched the Discovery Channel enough to know that probably half of the bugs around us could be deadly.

Example Questions:

1. Are you allergic to bees/wasps?
I'm not sure and guess what; I don't want to find out! It is possible to DIE from a bee or wasp sting if you’re allergic… so am I crazy for running away? NO!

2. Which spiders are poisonous?
Let me think, I don't fucking know therefore I'm pretty sure I don't want to be around ANY of them... I'd rather not take that chance since certain spider bites ARE deadly thank-you-very-much!!! (Yes, that deserves three exclamation points.)

3. Why be afraid of flies?
Have you ever walked down the street and seen a pile of shit? What is all over that pile? FLIES!!! Do you really think that I want a fly either landing on me, my food or anything in my house after it's taken several bites out of dog shit? NO!!!!!

4. What about moths?
Well, they are just the most disgusting bug-creature to ever be created. I'm not even sure what they could do besides land in your ear and leave a powdery residue but they are so gross that I don't even want to think about it.

Clearly, there are MANY other bugs that I could reference at this point but I think it's quite clear that I can be a non-bug fan and I think that everyone else should get off my damn back about it! Bottom line, I hate bugs.

Swine Flu

In my current line of work, it's considered a good idea to come in direct contact with as many people as humanly possible in order to establish some sort of "connection," even a quasi-friendship in order to "make a deal." I don't necessarily need to go into direct detail as to what exactly I do since this is what many people attempt to do but most just come off pushy and abrasive. I'm actually pretty good at it. Because of this I have several, "clients," who I must "attend" to.

In addition to that, I would consider myself a semi-hypochondriac... to the point that if I have a weird pain (and by weird I mean something that is not usual like a headache) I basically think that I have cancer or some sort of rare disease and I begin thinking how my life will be day after day dealing with this weird pain.

That being said, I once had a client call me and say, "Sorry I haven't gotten back to you. My sister has the swine flu and I've been taking care of her." The first thing I thought was, "Fuck, I just saw this woman two days ago and if she's been taking care of her sister, then there is a HIGHLY PROBABLE chance I could have the swine flu too!!!"

She then went on to say, "but it's okay because she's no longer contagious so we'll both be at the closing tomorrow."

"Great," I thought as my legs slowly began to wobble. I was already starting to feel the sickness come over me and since I was at the office, I had to attempt to remain calm. I made some jokes about it to others in the office who chuckled at this but inside, I was fixated on the idea of actually getting the swine flu and how dare these women treat this horrid type of flu with such a cavalier attitude! After all that hype on the news, I thought infected persons needed to be quarantined or something. I was actually thinking of calling in the authorities!

The next day at closing I pretended to forget that I knew her sister was basically infected with the swine flu. However, I was extremely angry because I felt as if I was holding in a deep dark secret. If I were to tell everyone else there, would they have felt the same as me? Would they put these women in a separate room and bust out the Lysol disinfectant spray immediately? Of course to my dismay we were all seated in just about the smallest room you could imagine with no windows or any sort of ventilation what so ever. I was certain that this closing could literally be the death of me.

I knew I would have to shake both women's hands because they were my clients for god's sakes and I am basically the nicest person you will ever meet so as I shook her hand, I could feel my legs giving out... I immediately sat down and my head was so clouded with thoughts of swine flu that I think I even started sweating. Then, a cough emerged from the infected but "no longer contagious" sister. I held my breath... so long actually that I almost passed out. I was taking such small and shallow breaths that my face was probably blue.

Luckily it was a quick and easy closing because I think I would have literally died for lack of breathing and proper ventilation. This was worse than giving blood!

I don't really remember much after that, since I think I lost so many brain cells from not breathing. I might as well have huffed glue prior to this closing. The moral of this story is that there is no moral. I hate swine flu and I think it was extremely rude that I was even put in that situation; never again. Next time, I'll send my assistant.

Note to self : get assistant.