The Door-to-Door Salesman

True Story:

I should have learned by now, DON'T ANSWER THE DOOR IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY, OR ON A SUNDAY EVERRRRR!!!!!!!!!! Correction: Don't answer the door unless your EXPECTING COMPANY or a delivery from online shopping!!!

I was cozy and relaxing... husband at soccer... then I heard the doorbell. I jumped up because my dog was barking and I KNEW I should have looked out the window first but for some reason I didn't. I was hoping for a package or something. Instead of a package, I got a ghetto-ass salesman... literally ghetto-ass. I really thought that legit door-to-door salesman were a "thing of the past" because let's face it, unless your a kid selling Girl Scout Cookies, no one really wants to be SOLD in front of their house for something that is way to expensive to be even kind-of desirable.

At first I thought he was a contractor, since they were doing work on the house next door and he looked semi-worker-ish. Then I saw he had a teardrop tattoo on his face and no front teeth. He started calling me ma'am and I knew I was in for a show.

He started telling me about a cleaning product that he was selling and he was super excited to tell me all about it. He babbled on for about 3 minutes without stopping to take a breath. He then began to tell me that it was, "non-toxic." So non-toxic that he actually unscrewed the cap, and poured some cleaning product in his mouth. At that point, I didn't know if this was a joke or what. I actually started looking around for Ashton because I thought I was being Punked.

Then he proceeded to spray this miraculously "non-toxic" yet highly affective cleansing product on my glass door, wiped it clean, then pressed his face up to the glass and breathed, yes breathed (very heavily) all over my front door. He was attempting to show me that with this cleanser, there were no smudges or residue of any kind. I was flabbergasted, speechless and starting to become a bit concerned.

I stood there frozen for a few more minutes listening to him drop the, "hard close."
I asked him for a business card and he looked at me like I was crazy. Then I thought... hmmmm... any LEGIT salesman SHOULD have a business card and an online website that sells the product for you...

He proceeded to tell me that his wife had died 5 months ago and he had 5 children and a baby at home ( not sure if he was considering the baby one of the kids or not) and he "knew I was going to help him out today... right ma'am?"

Because I just wanted this lunatic to leave me the fuck alone I asked him how much he was selling this shit for. I was justifying this in my head just to get him to go away.

He then said, "Well ma'am, it's only 53 dollars. And that will make you about 12 containers of solution and I can mix your first bottle with you today, right now."

I'm not sure if I was more taken aback by the price or just the thought of him standing with me for any longer mixing bottles of  "non-toxic" cleaning products that clearly got you high as a kite.

I said, "Don't you have anything for 20 dollars... and I can mix it myself."

He went on and on about how that was the least expensive option and it would last me for months and blah blah.

I finally just had to say that I was not interested and I apologized. Of course he was not taking no for an answer and he brought up the fact that he was a single dad, loads of kids, the whole nine. I really wanted to say, "Sir, I don't give a fuck that you could not keep your dick in your pants and now you are not able to support your children. I'm not a Democrat so I don't feel sorry for you but I know they have programs for that because I pay taxes for your kids to be fed.  I'm not interested in this cleansing product thank-you-very-much," but of course, I'm just too nice to say things like that unless I'm drunk so I just gave him those eyes like, "it's not working, your wasting your time."

Once he realized that I was not grabbing my checkbook, credit card or cash, he got pissed and proceeded to jump off my stoop, pack up his shit and walk right to the house next door to try his luck there.

About 15 minutes later, I had another knock on the door. I did NOT answer.

I will be making a very cute sign that says, "no solicitation PLEASE."