Attention all Bathroom Door Designers

Whoever got PAID to design the doors inside the women's bathroom should be shot.

Plain and simple.

These idoits who thought it would be a "smart" or even a "convenient" idea to have doors that swing INTO the already tiny bathroom stall should be dunked into a toilet, while having their "space saving" door smack them in the ass.

Honestly, have these people ever actually USED a public bathroom? I mean seriously, who hasn't experienced a time where they were crammed so tight into the bathroom that they literally almost had to climb on top of the toilet while opening the door TOWARDS them, mind you, in order to avoid falling backwards into the soiled toilet.

Yeah, it's probably the MOST annoying thing IN the world.

Multi-tasking in Traffic

Traffic used to get the best of me. Until recently, it was one of those things that I would literally plan out my day in order to avoid being stuck in.

I recently took a job in the city and upon leaving work on my first day, I realized, “Damn…there is a ton of traffic…it’s going to take me an hour to get home and I’m never going to make my spa appointment!”

At first I was aggravated, but then I glanced to my right and noticed the sultry romance novel I purchased from the Barnes and Nobel Best Seller table earlier that day.

Since I was literally sitting in stand-still traffic, I decided to read my luscious novel and make the most of my time.

Turns out that was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. No longer was I an out-of-control, road-raged–driver-stuck-in-traffic…Oh contraire. I was completely engrossed in my delicious novel while everyone else was irritated and irrational in the height of their commute. Reading a steamy novel while sitting in traffic totally made that hour stand-still literally fly by in no time!

I highly recommend this activity to anyone who can’t seem to find the time to read during their hectic day. This is also great for college students who spend all their time partying and not enough time reading, (this last statement is not in reference to me…seriously.)

Note: this activity is not recommended for stop and go traffic. Use this idea STRICKLY if you are legitimately in “stand-still” traffic. Reading while DRIVING...probably not the best idea...FYI.

The "Good Night" Interpretive Scale

Because I am at the age where people often hang out at bars for fun, I am privy to “morning after” complaints about aches, pains, losses and so on from events that took place the previous night, excluding hangovers.

NOTE: in general, people will not “complain” about having a hangover…they might mention the fact that a hangover is taking over their entire body, however they will NOT complain, since no one including myself, will take pity on them.

Personally, I feel that these post-bar attributes are simply a way to determine how much fun a person had, since obviously no one actually REMEMBERS how these things happen.
Therefore, I've developed an explanatory scale that evaluates your injury/ache/pain/loss and determines whether or not you had a “good night”.

The “Good Night” Interpretive Scale:

Note: say this before reading each of the following, "you know it's was a good night when you have/got..."

- Burnt tongue/mouth = you obviously indulged in a tasty (scalding-hot) meal, however if there are no dribbles on your clothes, good job, you just had a good night.
- Swollen/blistered feet = you obviously just danced your ass off, which means you burned off the calories from your booze, good job, you just had a good night.
- Lost jewelry/ cell phone = in the height of your drunkenness, you probably got emotional and gave away your prized jewelry/ cell phone to a homeless child on the street; good job, you just had a good night and probably saved some child from not getting beaten, since now they can pawn your jewelry/ cell phone in order to get the drug money to support their parents addiction.
- Bruised eye/knocked out tooth = you obviously initiated a bar fight in which you are A. still alive and B. not in jail. Good job, you just had a good night and you’ll probably be remembered at that bar for a long time.
- Broken bone = slipping and falling on the wet bathroom floor is a bitch…but besides the morning after pains of a broken bone, good job, you just had an AWESOME night…now that your able to sue the shit out of that place.
- Pregnant = you’re a dumb whore who should not be let out of the house...EVER. Good job, you just had a shitty night and you’ll be experiencing shit for the next 18 years.

The intent of The “Good Night” Interpretative Scale is to make you feel better about your previous night of which you don't remember. (Except of course if your condition is LAST on the scale…then yes, you ARE a dumb whore.)

"I'm writing to my State Representative!"

It's everyone's "famous last words.." I'M WRITING TO MY STATE REPRESENTATIVE!

Well okay, it might not be EVERYONE'S but they are frequently mine.

Yeah, so after my "incident" thats exactly what I did...and she wrote me back, THE SAME DAY...this asshole is GOIN' DOWN! Check it out...

Dear Jacqueline R. Crahalla,

I am Elizabeth Etzel from Collegeville. I am writing to let you know of an incident that recently occurred, to which I am still extremely outraged and utterly appalled.

On Friday, Sept. 9, I was stopped at a red light, driving to King of Prussia. I was sitting behind and beside a line of cars right outside of the Valley Forge Beef and Ale House.

The light turned green and I proceeded to slowly follow traffic. The next thing I new, the huge Dodge Ram truck next to me began creeping into my lane, totally unaware that he was millimeters away from hitting me and even thought I was blowing the horn, he continued to run me off the road to the point where I literally hit the curb and cracked my hub cap. Luckily I was not injured and only my hub cap suffered damages, however in any case, the event was dangerous and the driver reckless.
I took down the license plate for this Dodge Ram truck and once I regained my composer and reached my destination, I made a phone call to my local police station to report this reckless driver. After a few initial questions the police officer asked me why I did not report this incident, "as it was happening."

Shocked, I said, "well, I was still driving and it was all I could do to copy the license plate, since he then sped off."

The police officer then proceeded to tell me that the only way I am able to report a reckless driver is if the call is placed DURING the event and then the police must come to the scene and WITNESS the recklessness of the driver.

Now I ask you, how on Earth would a police officer expect anyone, in the act of being run off the road by a reckless driver, to first call 411 and get the correct number for the police, then proceed to explain what is happening, wait for an officer to arrive and still expect the reckless driver to be present? Ridiculous, I know.

Then, the officer told me that I could report the driver by giving the license plate number, which then the police would contact him and ask his side of the story. HOWEVER, if this reckless driver claims that he was not wrong and it was ME who did something wrong, which I did not, then the police would give us BOTH citations.

Now I ask you Mrs. Crahalla, is this justice? Is this fair? I think not. I am just writing to let you know that I think it's horrible for police officers in this county to sit and write countless tickets to people when they should be out seeking justice against such acts of audacity.

Sincerely,
Elizabeth Etzel, Republican

The Dentist

Most people hate going to the dentist-- I, on the other hand, love it…it thoroughly excites me. I pride myself on always maintaining a perfectly white smile, which is why my monthly teeth cleaning is something I look forward to with gusto. So much so that I have my dentists phone number programmed into my cell, just in case.

The fact that I receive compliment after compliment about my amazingly white smile always keeps me coming back…to the dentist that is. I even get complimented by my dentist himself on the complexity of my sensually white smile. He tells me I should be the model for a Crest commercial. I just grin and thank him, while thinking, “yes, yes…I know.”

I’d say another perk of going to the dentist is the free toothbrush and dental floss, (which is a must in my purse at all times). At my last visit (which was approximately 3 hours ago) I had the amazing choice between a green, clear or blue toothbrush. I chose blue, it’s delectable…literally.

My Obsession with Knives

Ever since I saw it, I've had this bizarre obession with it. The Six Star Cutlery set that is, which is an amazing addition to my kitchen I must say.

Never before has a knive set of this magnitude really done it for me until now. I've never been one to obsess over knives, guns yes but knives, never...that is until now.

Strangly enough, the Six Star Cutlery has found it's way not only into my (amazing) ritualistic cooking, but it's been known to shown up in photos, dreams and yes even a good game of Madlibs will probably recognize the excellence of the Six Star Cutlery.

Honestly, I don't think I've ever gotten so excited over a knive set before in my life and I've grown up with many...Cutco to name a few.

Looking back though, my mom once stumbled upon a great Alaskan Ulu knive which, after using, she bought about eight more and gave them out at Christmas. At first I thought it odd but after I used this amazing Alaskan knife, I understood the ridiculously sick cutting power this little knife held and to tell you the truth, it excited me. Check it out. I'm not kidding.
http://www.alaskaguide.com/ulu_knife.htm

Come to think of it I am now realizing that I'm pretty obsessed with the Alaskan Ulu knife too. I guess I just never stopped to ponder the degree of obesssion like I did with the Six Star Cutlery until now.

Do I find it odd that I am now publishing my uncanny fixation?

Yes.

Do I care at all?

NO.