The "Good Night" Interpretive Scale

Because I am at the age where people often hang out at bars for fun, I am privy to “morning after” complaints about aches, pains, losses and so on from events that took place the previous night, excluding hangovers.

NOTE: in general, people will not “complain” about having a hangover…they might mention the fact that a hangover is taking over their entire body, however they will NOT complain, since no one including myself, will take pity on them.

Personally, I feel that these post-bar attributes are simply a way to determine how much fun a person had, since obviously no one actually REMEMBERS how these things happen.
Therefore, I've developed an explanatory scale that evaluates your injury/ache/pain/loss and determines whether or not you had a “good night”.

The “Good Night” Interpretive Scale:

Note: say this before reading each of the following, "you know it's was a good night when you have/got..."

- Burnt tongue/mouth = you obviously indulged in a tasty (scalding-hot) meal, however if there are no dribbles on your clothes, good job, you just had a good night.
- Swollen/blistered feet = you obviously just danced your ass off, which means you burned off the calories from your booze, good job, you just had a good night.
- Lost jewelry/ cell phone = in the height of your drunkenness, you probably got emotional and gave away your prized jewelry/ cell phone to a homeless child on the street; good job, you just had a good night and probably saved some child from not getting beaten, since now they can pawn your jewelry/ cell phone in order to get the drug money to support their parents addiction.
- Bruised eye/knocked out tooth = you obviously initiated a bar fight in which you are A. still alive and B. not in jail. Good job, you just had a good night and you’ll probably be remembered at that bar for a long time.
- Broken bone = slipping and falling on the wet bathroom floor is a bitch…but besides the morning after pains of a broken bone, good job, you just had an AWESOME night…now that your able to sue the shit out of that place.
- Pregnant = you’re a dumb whore who should not be let out of the house...EVER. Good job, you just had a shitty night and you’ll be experiencing shit for the next 18 years.

The intent of The “Good Night” Interpretative Scale is to make you feel better about your previous night of which you don't remember. (Except of course if your condition is LAST on the scale…then yes, you ARE a dumb whore.)