At The Restaurant

It's happened one to many times "at the restaurant" when your sitting there, OBVIOUSLY very engrossed in what your (friend, husband, wife, significant other)is saying when your EXTREMELY "attentive" (if that's what you want to call their stupidity) waiter comes over and blatantly interrupts an intricate moment where a huge detail of the story is revealed and says, "Can I take this?"

FIRST:

- if the plate or drink is empty, TAKE IT
- if it's not THEN DON'T

Then later, once everyone regains their composure and gets back into the story, now that it's somewhat awkward, the waiter comes over YET AGAIN and of course, ONLY when your engrossed in another great tale and asks "Do you guys mind if I put this here... not to rush you or anything..." (He sits down the bill)

- NO NO NO. You are not getting a good tip. Guess what, your not leaving until we do and now your not even going to get a decent percentage. For all you know Mr. "Waiter", we could have ordered more beverages and start getting silly... which would probably result in YOU the "WAITER" getting a HUGE tip because we all know that alcohol and math DON'T MIX.

In short, to all you waiters who are guilty of these mindless acts... learn from your mistakes and FYI... you can always be forgiven by comping a hefty beverage. :-)

True Story At The Gas Station...

Have you ever spilled... no wait, SPRAYED gas all over you, your car and the ground at a gas station? No? Okay, well I have so here are some facts:

If your having a REALLY good day, don't go and get gas because chances are you will:

1. Spray gas all over yourself (the story is next)
2. Crash your car into someone or something at the gas station
3. Get trapped in and not be able to move because of those damn soccer moms
4. Okay, the list goes on but here is the story...

So imagine being REALLY "happy-go-lucky" on a nice warm day, heading to get some gas and singing songs in the car while listing for the "click" noise that indicates your tank is full. Well, apparently I was singing TOO loud because instead of just looking at the screen to tell me how many gallons I had left to go, I thought I heard the "click" and jumped out of the car and literally RIPPED the gas pump out of my car. At that point, everything else was in slow motion.

Gas started EJACULATING EVERYWHERE! On ME, the CAR, the GROUND, probably people driving by... it was CRAZY!

I desperatly tried to pull the tab up so that the gas would stop and by the time that happened, I as well as everything around me was SOAKED! Lovely.

Here is where the TRUTH comes in.

A. You will NOT immediatly burst into flames after being covered in gas and starting a car. It does not happen.
B. You will not have an Indian man chase after you in the parking lot yelling and screaming that you'll have to clean up the fuel spillage.
C. You will not be locked up, fined, tracked down by the government, or anyone else for that matter, because of a fuel spill (and a speed away).

Good to know, but NOT good to experiece. Better yet, just hire someone to pump your gas. WHY CAN'T WE ALL LIVE IN JERSEY???????????

The "Gift Card" - a WASTE of money

In theory, when someone gives you a "gift card" it means one of two things, you either A. have money on this "card" that you can spend however you like or B. you have money on this "card" but you must spend it wherever the card says. Sounds easy and simple right? WRONG. Gift cards are basically a HUGE scam. First, if someone gives you a gift card, ESPECIALLY ONE CALLED "GREEN DOT" they automatically charge you an "activation fee" of $9.95 and then, when you go to "activate your card" an answering machine walks you through a 35 minute process where then they put you on hold until you get disconnected. At that point, you call back to speak to a representative, but there are none available and the answering machine keeps saying "you've dialed the wrong number, goodbye," or "You've already activated this card, please call the number on the back of your card, goodbye." I DON'T HAVE THE F-ING CARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Each and EVERY phone number on the back of this DAMN card are FALSE!!!!!!!!! Oh and the website is NO HELP whatsoever!!! So, someone purchased this card for $50 and not only are they out of the money but I never got to use it EITHER!!!!!!!!!!!!! GREEN DOT IS A HORRIBLE COMPANY just made up to STEAL your money. Next, if you have a "typical" "gift card" where there is NO activation and you simply USE THE CARD, the issue is losing the card or forgetting you have the card which also results in a waste of money. So in conclusion, the point is: NEVER buy someone a gift card because CASH is ALWAYS a better option, TRUST me, a person will give you a MUCH bigger smile if you hand them a wad of cash rather than a FUCKING GIFT CARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!